So I wanted to update by posting pics of my summer....but I got this message..

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So I guess I will try again later

For starters....I didn't get much sleep last night. My paper kept me up late and then fried whatever brains I had left.

So I was not emotionally stable when I saw two girls from the other unit come in and start ripping polka dots (decorations) off the walls of my unit...decorations that my mom had slaved over to make me successful as an RA...decorations that cheer our unit and keep the walls from being too depressing.....

....In that moment it hit me that I won't be an RA next year. As each polka dot was ripped off it was like a symbol of my RA position being ripped from me.

So I cried....

Actually I balled.....on one of my poor girls....then I called Brad and proceeded to wish away everything I have been hoping for for weeks..."I want to stay with my girls!" "I don't wanna come home!" "I don't wanna graduate" "I'm not going to have any girl friends after school" "I'm going to be lonely!"

On top of my already emotional day, we had our second to last RA meeting tonight in which we had Praise & Worship time. I could not keep from crying. I cried the whole hour...while everyone was singing, I was mouthing the words with tears streaming down my cheeks. The Lord, in His grace, put sweet Sarah next to me to put her arm around me and cry with me.

It's hard to be at a crossroads. A chapter is closing in my life. I won't be "in charge" anymore. I won't have beautiful, wonderful freshman girls to interact with. I won't have the sisterhood of RAs that I do now. Jess will be gone.

It's hard to look at all that I have had this year and not selfishly want to keep it all forever.

However, something new is beginning. I will have others to minister to and encourage. I will still have friends to have fun with. I can still foster friendships over long distance. I can start planning for a future with Brad. And I can look forward to being reunited with these wonderful women in heaven, where we will perfectly interact and adore our Savior.

Senior year...Here I come.

This is where I want to be.

Home.

Can I just say???

I love my mom!!

   Choir tour was hard for me this year. It's hard when people encroach upon your space. It's hard when they talk to you non-stop when all you want to do is sleep. It's hard when you have to perform well, dead-tired. It's hard when you are supposed to minister and all you want is to be ministered to. It's hard when you want to be alone and you are surrounded by people. It's hard to praise when you feel like complaining.

   I suppose choir tour is a lot like life...just in a contained, pressured evironment. Most days it is hard when people are in your space. Most days its hard to perform well, dead-tired. Most days it's hard to praise when all you want to do is complain. Paul reminds us constantly that the Christian walk isn't easy. It is hard to persevere when all we want to do is sleep or get away or relax or punch someone. It is hard to be faithful when you feel faithless.

   But life, like choir tour, has its rewards when you press on. It's amazing when you pray on your knees, feeling spent, and then subsequently praise Him with voice and music. It's amazing when you push your tiredness aside to read His Word on the bus. It's amazing when you run outside for a gasp of fresh air to pray and then feel rejuvenated and ready to praise Him from those few moments alone. It's amazing as you spend your talents, your voice and your self and look into an audience of fifteen, seeing an old man lifting his hands to worship with you. It's amazing when you don't please a room of 200 teenagers but realize that our One audience is satisfied with our hearts and worship.

   And like choir tour, God is faithful in the good and bad. He is the only One who can keep me blameless until the day of His return....

"Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until the day when our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God, who calls you, is faithful; He will do this." I Thess. 5:23-24